What Makes You, You

For years, there were things about my physical appearance I really, really despised. And let’s be honest; there are still things I despise. I suppose this is a universal fact. Most of us aren’t particularly fond of something(s) on our face or our body. In my case, the list can be pretty long (and was, especially when I was a teenager) and depending on the day, I still think the exact same things about myself.

My prominent French nose is just way too big. Man, my legs are short. This keratosis polaris on my upper arms has got to go! Why do I always smile so cheesily? These bushy eyebrows are out of control. I really wish I had a more defined chin! Why is my voice so loud?! I don’t mind having a deeper voice but, geesh... How can I get rid of these poofy cheeks? Gosh, I wish I had thicker hair. I love running, but I’m not in love with these Arnold Schwarzenegger calves.

Golly, man, ugh, sigh. You get it.

But getting older has its advantages. I finally (sort of) grew into my nose, and I don’t want to change it: I’m afraid my singing voice would be destroyed. The keratosis polaris on my arms has faded, and no longer looks like a big red rash. I figured out how to tame my brows, and (bonus!) bushy brows are totally in style right now. I don’t mind having a louder/expressive voice, because hey, I have more volume when I sing. (Yaaaas.) And my cheeks finally thinned down a bit when I hit my mid-twenties: I actually have cheekbones now! Small victories.

Me, age 11. Oh my.

The rest of it (the legs, the chin, the hair, etc) is just stuff I have to accept. I may not like them, but those are things that make me who I am. 

When I start beating myself up, I take a step back; I take pause. Do I think about this stuff with any other person on the planet? Do I so aggressively judge and critique? No. Sure, I notice things about people. Everyone does. But I never really think to myself, gosh, they’d look so much better if this or that. They are who they are. It’s cliche, but it’s true; we’re all the beautiful people.

You have to make the best of things, and that includes how you look and how you act. Despite my occasional unhappiness with my appearance, I try to focus more on my attitude and my personality. Even as a kid there were emotional traits I hated (yep, I’m using the word hate) about myself. I have neverending goals to improve who I am, and those goals usually include being less nervous and not hanging my happiness on other people’s opinions. I have shortcomings, just like everyone else. Dang it.

I’m learning to accept what I cannot change, but I try to improve everything else. I know I will never achieve ultimate perfection: That's an objective everyone fights for in vain. From yourself, to your job, to your relationships, etc. You may feel perfection for a fleeting moment, whether it’s how you look or how you feel. You have a moment of complete and utter bliss and happiness and oh-my-goodness, this is awesome! And yes, you should hang on to that moment, until your arms and hands give out and break off, or the rope snaps. But in the end, you have to give and take, every day.

It’s funny how you assume that when you’re older, things will just magically get easier. You’ll be more respected, people will listen, and you won’t have to try so hard. Then you realize nothing changes! Except for one thing; age brings clarity, and wisdom. I’m getting better at voicing my opinion. I still cringe after I do, waiting for someone to smack me down with a counterattack. But progress is progress. I’ve embraced my extreme ups and downs: They fuel my creativity more than anything else does. I’m still trying to not put everything in one basket when I get upset, but that’s a fight I continue.

Perhaps it’s easier to change what’s on the inside (even if it takes longer)? Short of surgery, there’s not a whole lot you can do about your body. It is what it is, it’s yours, it’s the only one there is, the only one you get. When you think about it like that, it’s not so bad. Kind of makes you want to take better care of it, and maybe love it a little more (big nose, and all).