2016: The Numbers Don't Decide
That was my year in a nutshell. When I sit back and read those numbers, it puts things into perspective. I’m proud of some of those numbers. Others make me cringe: I remember those experiences and hope I never have to go through them again. But they also made my year what it was. A beautiful, crazy, unpredictable and satisfying journey/learning experience. Curveballs.
Isn’t it funny how our lives go? We go into every new year planning goals and adventures only to get completely derailed. God, our family/friends, nature… they seem to always know better. This is happening! you tell yourself. I don’t care what it takes! But hey, not so fast. You haven’t mastered this ‘life’ thing yet. Maybe that’s not such a good idea. Or is it? Who’s to stop you from pushing forward?
There are people in my life in their mid-20s, full of ambition and love and hope and drive for the perfect future. I love these people. They’re fearless, unbound by anything, the world at their feet, enthusiastic. Life has knocked them over a bit, but not so much that they’ve given up on their unwavering dreams. And I wonder; was I like that?
I was. We all were. Some of us stay that way throughout our lives, pushing the envelope and defying expectation. I used to take great pride in doing the exact opposite of what everyone else did or wanted me to do. I enjoyed it. In a way, it’s defined me. Going against the grain has always been a subconscious goal. That’s how things get done; that’s how things change. Inside, there’s a spark that still wants to be defiant. As I get older, the fact that I have almost no control over most things becomes more obvious. My disease has been the biggest influencer. There are days I simply cannot do what I planned because my body decides to go, ‘hey, today is not your day’. You learn to listen to your body; you have to. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t strive to go beyond. I pray for guidance, and I make my plans, and I push harder. And I hope it all comes together for the best result.
There is a quote I first heard from the wonderful Tom Hiddleston, though I’m sure it’s been said before: “We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize that we only have one.” There’s a turning point, a pivotal moment that defines this realization. Mine was the end of last year, when I was so sick I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Everything I held so dear was suddenly (but thankfully, temporarily) impossible. And when I started healing, my eyes were wide open! Where had I been my whole life? Why was everything so hard before? Why did I stress so much and worry? Why couldn’t I look people in the eye? Why didn’t I appreciate more? What an amazing awakening.
I’m thankful for this year! I’m thankful for everything that did and did not happen. I’m so glad I have what I have, that I’ve accomplished some pretty cool things, that I’m still working toward something bigger than me. The numbers are noteworthy, and a source of reflection. But they don’t ultimately decide success or value. It’s easy to get wrapped up in statistics and evaluation, but those aren’t the be all end all of existence. Quality, not quantity. Always.
What was your year like and how will next year go? We’ll see, Shiny People. We shall see.
P.S. Yes, my blog title is also a Radiohead lyric.
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